The last time I wrote Murphy was doing fabulously. His symptoms of megaesophagus had all but disappeared. Today, sadly I write regarding the graceful way in which he left this world. There was both joy and sadness living those moments with him but throughout it all there was always love and spirit.
You know when the time is right. Rita Reynolds, author of Blessing the Bridge, says that the animals talk to you and they tell you. I needed to learn how to listen to hear Murphy’s cries. Looking back now I see that preparations had been going on for months in a variety of ways. One of those ways was through my dreams. I had a dream that I had euthanized Murphy in a crowded mall. We sat at a cafeteria-style table with others just walking by, not really noticing us. It was just the two of us and I knew it was his time and I knew what I had to do. After I administered the first injection I left Murphy with a friend just for a moment. On my return my friend no longer had him. I looked frantically for him all over the mall and found him laying half dead on the floor with a soft tan cotton fabric draping over him while people just walked right-on past him. I picked him up crying, sad I had left him but happy to have found him. I carried him back to our table, the whole while crying, telling him how sorry I was and how much l loved him. After I administered the second shot I held him close and felt the life leave his little handsome body. It wasn’t til after that the guilt began to set in. I had told no one what I was doing. No one knew that Murphy had died but me. “Oh no,” I thought, remembering that I promised to bring Murphy to the next second Friday event at the school. I would have to now tell them that he died. That’s where the dream ended. Since that dream in January I have had three other dreams about death.
On Sunday I noted, in the last article, that Murphy had thrown up and that lovingly I cleaned it up. One day after the article was published, on Tuesday evening, I noticed him drinking more water and eating less food. By Thursday I had become gravely suspicious as his signs worsened, so I got us an emergency appointment to see Dr. Beebe at noon. Remembering the dream and not wanting to feel the guilt of doing it myself I reached out to others. Reaching out first to our care team, including Mary Argo, our animal communicator and an integral part of the team. Leaving her a message I knew her timing would be impeccable, til then I would fret, just a bit. She called on our way to the clinic and said it wasn’t time, and to have Dr. Beebe check for an infection in his throat.
Since I was only his foster mom the next call I placed was to Woody and Deanna Bartley, owners of A Chance for Bliss. Leaving them a message as to Murph the Smurf’s health, our appointment, and that we may need to make a decision about the him that afternoon. Hearing the concern in my voice Woody responded quickly and said with compassion that he would make himself available for whatever we needed.
His weight was only 15.7 lbs when we arrived. I presented his symptoms and his care to Dr. Beebe. She assessed him with both eastern and western methods, drew blood for some tests, changed his herbs, and gave him some acupuncture. We would live to have another appointment on Tuesday.
On Friday we changed his herbs and diet to address the anemia. Over the weekend I was encouraged as he held everything down until Monday. So I wrote to the team plus a few others and said that I had apparently over reacted.
As I sat petting the Murph on Saturday afternoon, I commented that I would follow him. He looked up at me, quickly jumped off my lap and ran to my room standing at the foot of my bed. He stood there looking at me intently, imploring me to understand, but l didn’t. I asked what he was trying to show me but was not getting it. It took three attempts but I finally got it. It was the Alaskan flower essences he wanted. They were on the floor near the bed. I sat down and called him over. He stood calm and tall and allowed me to spray them on him. We continued this every day a few times each day. I emailed Mary this story a few days later thinking she would get a laugh out of it. However, the laugh was on me when she told me her side of the story. She had been checking in on the Smurf and he told her that her wanted the essences. Mary volunteered to call and tell me that he wanted the essences but Murphy said no. He would find a way to communicate that to me, luckily he did. A day later special formulas for both Murphy and I arrived in the mail. I was elated at the synchronicity and began them immediately.
On Tuesday I was encouraged again when we walked into the clinic. Especially since his weight was now 16.3#s. Then I received further results of his test, low white cell count, liver and gall bladder inflammation, et al. I was a bit disheartened but needed to remain strong. We discussed the effects of the acupuncture and once again changed his herbs and altered his food for further refinement. Our options for treatment were lessening. Murphy was a difficult case because we would have initial success and then those same protocols would stop working. We couldn’t get his weight to stabilize and now his body was deteriorating. There was little more that could be done for him. But because of the most recent success we would give a few more acupuncture sessions to try and get on top of it. We had our next appointment of Friday and I was very optimistic.
On Saturday morning, though, I got a call from home that Murphy had regurgitated his breakfast. And from that point forward the Smurf regurgitated every meal he ate no matter what I did, holding him for longer periods of time, smaller more frequent meals, nothing was working, even the acupuncture stopped being effective. It was breaking my heart to watch him this way. He spent time eating but was always hungry. My thoughts began to ask those inevitable questions: Was he speaking to me? Was he telling me it was time? I began to believe he was and I needed to let him go. This was his journey and I needed to honor that.
I stopped by the clinic on Tuesday and made arrangements for the next day. But first I needed to speak with Mary and Murphy. Mary confirmed that he was transitioning, that the essences in his formula were for releasing and preparing to leave. After we decided the when and where we called on my boys and Angel (who had passed) to be with us and meet Murphy on the other side. Then Mary said other animals had come forward. She asked about the dogs from A Chance for Bliss. First, she described Gracie, a blind Boston Terrier that passed in late 2009. It was Gracie that bit my finger when I got in between her and Murphy fighting. Then there were others; Sunny, Walter, Ruthie, etc. They said they wanted Murphy to see familiar faces when he transitioned. Gracie said they might not have all gotten along in physical world but in spirit they looked after each other and would do well together. I had tears well up in my eyes with the love that was present in that moment. My boy would be just fine.
If this were to be his end then I would have it be such an end. I wanted him to experience and remember what it was like to be a young healthy dog again, if only for a day, to explore all the sensory experiences this physical world can bring. So before we ended the call I asked if there was anything special that he would like to eat or do. He wanted hamburgers and ice cream and wanted to go for a walk. Also, he wanted the essences. He wanted them sprayed, put in his water, and on the pads of his feet.
After the call we hopped in the car took our first walk and stopped by McDonalds’s for hamburgers and french fries, I bought enough for dinner and breakfast for all. After dinner I began creating sacred space; smudging, praying, spraying essences, chakra work, and creating our altar. Then we went to sleep early cuddling together, Murphy’s head resting on my arm.
He was happy from the moment we awoke, playing, resting, and eating. I watched as he lived each moment to the fullest with intent and purpose. He got McDonald’s again for breakfast and lunch, ice cream, cheese and crackers and anything else I might be eating. He didn’t have to sit in his chair nor did I hold him.
It wasn’t as easy for me, the one being left behind. So when I called Woody to let him know about Murphy, I could barely talk through all the tears. I wanted him to know about Gracie and the others meeting Murphy. He asked if he could be there with us. I said yes, especially knowing how Murphy enjoyed Woody’s company and he would appreciate the male energy.
We went for another walk, just he two of us this time, on the levee behind our house. Besides the walk, he watched ducks and geese, felt the earth underneath his pads and the high grass on his belly, and smelled the aroma of the wildflowers growing all around us. He didn’t want to walk far, just far enough to say that he did it. Anymore and it would have been too stressful for him.
We met Woody at the clinic at 3. I had arrived a bit early to create our sacred space, spraying the essences, playing music, and making sure Murphy was comfortable. With him in my arms Woody got a chance to say his good byes. Dr. Beebe came in and discussed Murphy’s condition with Woody. We also had an opportunity to share a few of our most memorable moments, all the while smiling as well as shedding a few tears. When we were ready and she spoke with Murphy, she administered the shot all the while reminding him of all those that loved him here and all those that were there to meet him on the other side. I kissed him good bye and as in the dream I felt the life leave his body falling limp in my arms except we were not alone but surrounded by those that loved us. Our day was a gift filled with love and the magic of remembering that could only be given by our creator. Who knew such magic was possible and that we could be so blessed.
I gently set him down on the table and hugged Dr. Beebe. Thanking her for all of the generosity and compassion she showed to our Murphy. I believe he lived this long because of her care and concern of her staff.
My little Yoda, as I call my wise and mystical friend, rests comfortably in the arms of mother earth, his spirit runs free in heaven, and his love is nestled gently in my heart.
Namaste to you, Murphy, and to all of you that held us with your love and support as we shared this journey.
Tamara Samsa is the Associate Director of Healing Arts Institute.
